It’s Toddlers Are A**Holes day on the blog. The day where we say: yes, parenting a young child is often wonderful and rewarding and other synonyms for good, but other times, you may just feel a little frustrated that a pint-sized sociopath is calling the shots around the ‘ole homestead. AND THAT’S OKAY! Here are some recipes for your run-of-the-mill “I’m at the end of my rope” parenting moments, excerpted from Bunmi Laditan’s Toddlers Are A**Holes.
Recipes for Parents on the Edge
“Sweet as Life Used to Be” Dessert Nachos
Layer Cinnamon Toast Crunch, melted butter, and crushed-up Pop-Tarts. Put in oven on 300°F to warm. Eat standing up over garbage can.
“Why Don’t-U-Listen?” Trail Mix
Take revenge on your small child by mixing all his favorite snacks in a large bowl. Throw in Goldfish crackers, Gummy vitamins, yogurt-covered raisins, cereal, and whatever else you can find. Eat by the greedy-ass handful while you watch people succeed on TV.
In a semiclean Tupperware container, melt one cup of shredded cheese and a half cup of Velveeta. Mix in some sour cream to taste and a packet of French onion dip. Eat with tortilla chips until you can’t feel anything.
Melt three cups of ice cream in a large bowl. Add brownie pieces, M&Ms, marshmallows, and Golden Grahams cereal. Drizzle with three shots of low-grade tequila. Garnish with whipped topping. Slurp up with a spoon until you’re a little less afraid of morning.
In a medium bowl, mix together crumbled bacon, chopped hard-boiled eggs, and lots of mayonnaise. Eat at 2:00 a.m. while crying.
Blend up vodka and mint chip ice cream. Bam. There’s calcium in there, too. Calcium for your bones. Add whipped cream for additional vitamin D.