With our turkey craving satisfied and Christmas less than twenty days away, the holiday season is officially upon us. And of course we are smack dab in the middle of the Festival of Lights, Hanukkah. Most likely, there are some gentle gentiles out there who’ve been invited to their first Hanukkah party and are uncertain about what to expect. For all those first-timers, Molly Katz’s Jewish as a Second Language, a humorous field guide to Jewish culture, offers some tips for navigating the waters.
Jewish Guest Behavior
When visiting your new relatives and friends, you will encounter situations that seem familiar. Your impulse will be to handle them in the familiar way. Do not make this mistake.
Heed these lessons:
Situation
You’re a dinner guest. You’ve brought a huge tin of anchovies for a gift (you have a relative in the restaurant supply business).
Old Behavior. You present the gift, eat, and leave.
New Behavior. Before dinner, mention often that you’re bringing something great. When you arrive, insist that the hostess serve the anchovies immediately. Ask if she has capers. Suggest she roll each anchovy around one. Watch while she does it. She might miss some.
Direct the other guests’ attention to the anchovies. Don’t let them get distracted by the other hors d’oeuvres. During the meal, remind everyone a few times how good the anchovies were. When you leave, ask the hostess if she really enjoyed them. Hint that you might bring something even better next time.
Situation
(Women Only)
You’re at a new relative’s holiday dinner. Nearly everyone has finished eating. You’d like to help clear.
Old Behavior. You wait till the last person is done, then carry plates to the kitchen. Everyone moves to the living room. Later, before leaving, you offer to help wash. The hostess declines.
New Behavior. About now the hostess will rise and reach for the plates of those who are finished. Stand next to her and help as she scrapes food onto one plate and stacks the others. Keep glancing at those still eating to see if they’re done yet. Only when all dishes are scraped, stacked, and organized can you bring them to the kitchen.
The men, and any women who don’t care about their reputations, will retire to the family room for TV and conversation about what’s on the TV. The real women will bulldoze the kitchen, washing, wiping, and wrapping leftover food to the tune of such favorites as “It’s a Crime to Throw This Out,” “Let the Glasses Air-Dry—It’s More Sanitary,” and “Don’t You Have a Tupperware Arugula Container?”
Situation
You’re a first-time guest in someone’s home, and you’re sniffling. It must be your cat allergy.
Old Behavior. You take an antihistamine and have fun anyway.
New Behavior. Ask accusingly if they have a cat. Proclaim that you’re violently allergic. When they offer to put the cat in another room, say it’s too late. Ask what medications they have. Reject them all. Describe the details of your allergy. Use up a box or two of tissues. When the topic shifts, sneeze louder.
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