When I was a kid, my parents’ idea of a fun vacation was piling the family in the Volvo and taking a road trip from our home in Connecticut to visit our grandparents in exotic…Long Island.
Don’t get me wrong: It was—and still is—wonderful to visit them! (They have a pool, and they always stock the pantry with Froot Loops—among other reasons.) Yes, hanging out with G-mom and Pop-pop was great, but the drive…ohh, the drive. Somehow my sisters and I, three otherwise very well-behaved girls who enjoyed each other’s company, were absolutely transformed upon entering the back seat. All civility flew out the window (onto the highway, no doubt) and suddenly none of us could stand to be touched or spoken to or even looked at by any of the others. Everything bugged us, from the inevitable heat to the meager snack offerings. And adding an enormous, smelly German Shepherd-mix who was prone to carsickness and heavy drooling only served to exacerbate the situation. If those three hours were horrible for us kids, I can only imagine how our parents felt.
Luckily we’ve long since outgrown those days of car-induced crankiness, and family trips are now quite pleasant. One summer the whole clan, including the dog, drove 12 hours to our new home in Tennessee, and although I wasn’t there for the ride (I was working as a counselor at a sleep-away camp, thinking I’d dodged a major bullet), I later heard that everyone made it through the journey unscathed.
Thinking back, it’s kind of funny: We were good kids, but the car made us bonkers! That’s why I wish we’d had a copy of All-American Car-i-oke, David Schiller’s answer to the sometime-trauma of a long road trip. Below is one of my favorite songs from the book, a reinterpretation of Harry “Haywire Mac” McClintock’s classic hobo ballad “The Big Rock Candy Mountains.” Pop in the CD or just break it down a cappella-style—whatever it takes to get everyone rockin’. A few verses of this fun tune and before you know it you’ll be on Long Island—or wherever your station wagon may take you. Happy trails!
THE BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAINS
Words and music by Harry McClintock, new lyrics by David Schiller.
Intro:
On a summer’s day in the month of May,
A third-grader come a-boarding,
Coasting along that lonesome road
To a place much more rewarding.
He said, “I’m headed for a land that’s far away,
Beside them crystal fountains—
So come with me
We’ll go and see
The Big Rock Candy Mountains.”
First verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks,
And little streams of Mountain Dew
Come a-trickling down the rocks.
You’re stoked on all the banks and ramps,
And life is one big jam.
There’s a Slurpy lake with nachos, too,
You can paddle all around ’em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
Second verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
There’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the Gameboys grow on bushes
And you hang out every night;
Where little brothers stay out of your way
And little sisters too.
Oh, I’m bound to go
Where I can catch any show,
The alarm never rings
And my father never sings,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
Third verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
Classrooms are made of tin
And you can bust right out again
As soon as they put you in;
The teachers show up just once a week
To hand out nothing but A’s.
Oh, I’m going to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they jammed the jerk
Who invented homework
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
Fourth verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You can burp right after you eat,
And you never have to brush your teeth,
And forget about being neat;
You can throw your clothes all over the floor,
Eat candy in your bed.
Oh, that’s the life for me,
Completely parent-free,
Where your only job
Is to act like a slob,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
Finale:
And so now my song is over,
I’m lacing up my Vans,
I’m pointing my board
To the open road
Where the bluebirds sing
And kids are king
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains!
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