The Parenting Drinking Guide

Let’s face it, parents of toddlers deserve a little relaxation every once in a while, and what better way to relax than with alcohol?* Here are drinks to pair with your more frustrating parenting moments, excerpted from Bunmi Laditan’s Toddlers Are A**Holes.

*(I mean…we guess you could also do yoga…but WHO HAS TIME?)

Drink Recipes for Parents of Toddlers

“Why Isn’t Your Dad Home Yet” Spritzer

(usually consumed between 5:15 and 6:00 p.m.)
Uncork a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon. Pour wine into a measuring cup, Tupperware, or an empty, clean margarine container. Sip on the couch while your child tears apart the toys you just put away. For every minute your spouse is late, dedicate a dollar to a future bottle of wine. This drink is best paired with furious text messages like: “What is taking so long?” “Are you circling the block or something?” and “I can’t do this anymore.”

“If You Don’t Stop Whining I May Start Screaming” Tonic

Pour 7 ounces of soda water into a stained plastic cup. Add enough vodka to calm you down. This pairs wonderfully with Handi-Snacks. You know, the “cheese”-and-cracker things. Don’t bother with the plastic red rectangle knife for spreading. In the comfort of your home, feel free to use your tongue to lick the spread out. Eat eight. Throw a cracker down to your toddler because you’re a good parent.

“Why Aren’t You Potty Trained?” Fizz

In a clean baby bottle, measure 2 ounces of Baileys Irish Cream. The ounce measurements on the bottle are designed to make pouring liquor more accurate. Pour into a coffee mug. Drink straight. Repeat if you want.