Monster vs. Monster Showdown

For HalloWeek, we asked Hal Johnson, author of Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods, to preside over 5 hypothetical monster vs. monster match-ups. Here are Hal’s showdowns.

Ever since the hatching of the metric system, Europe and North America have been mortal enemies, and there’s no reason to believe their respective sets of fearsome creatures should get along either. With Halloween coming up, we decided to take the scariest monsters from each continent and pit them against one another in hypothetical cage matches.

No monsters were harmed in preparing these hypothetical matchups.

1. Sphinx vs. Snow Wasset

THE CHALLENGERS:
The sphinx, part lion and part lady, haunted ancient Thebes, and strangled anyone who couldn’t solve her riddle with her giant paws. (Fun fact: sphinx and sphincter come from the same root word, meaning “to tighten or strangle.”)

The serpentine snow wasset leaps through the snows of northern Canada, eating everything it sees.

THE MATCH:
The sphinx can swoop down for its strangling attack, but strangling requires a neck, and the snaky snow wasset’s neck is indistinguishable from the rest of its body. While the sphinx pauses to unravel the riddle of where a serpent’s throat begins or ends, the wasset eats her.

THE VICTOR:
Wasset

2. Minotaur vs. Central American Whintosser

THE CHALLENGERS:
The minotaur, with a bull’s head and double-bladed ax, lurks in the mazelike labyrinth of Crete, consuming sacrificial victims.

The Central American whintosser tumbles through the mountains of Mexico in search of prey, its multiple legs letting it land rightside-up no matter how it falls.

THE MATCH:
In terms of pure ferocity, neither bull nor axman should be a threat to the savage whintosser, but the home court advantage of the labyrinth tilts the match to the minotaur. The whintosser’s multiple legs get confused in the maze, and as some walk one way, some another, the whintosser finds itself straining in two directions, and ultimately tears itself in half.

THE VICTOR:
Minotaur

3. Hydra vs. Hoopsnake

THE CHALLENGERS:
With nine venomous heads, the hydra poisons all who enter the swamps of Lerna.

The hoopsnake rolls around, tail in mouth, throughout the eastern and Central U.S., stinging its victims with its venomous tail.

THE MATCH:
It’s poison vs. poison, and the hoopsnake’s poison is particularly deadly: All stung by the hoopsnake swell up and die. But the hydra’s venom is so poisonous that immortal Hercules chose death over the agony it caused him. Maybe it would be a venomous tie—if there were nine hoopsnakes to fight the hydra. But with nine heads, the hydra has nine attacks per round to the hoopsnake’s one.

THE VICTOR:
Hydra

4. Leviathan vs. Slide-Rock Bolter

THE CHALLENGERS:
Master of the Mediterranean is old man leviathan, largest of fish, with jaws that reach from the surface to the bottom of the deep sea, and an appetite for which whales are an hors d’oeuvre. You probably cannot tie his tongue down with a rope.

The slide-rock bolter is a great landfish that skids down mountainsides, guzzling anything in its path.

THE MATCH:
In its element, the leviathan is unbeatable; but the slide-rock bolter, driven more by fear and instinct than cunning (fish are dumb!), would soon retreat from the salt sea to the land where it was born and breeds. The leviathan, in hot pursuit, only manages to beach itself, and it lolls helplessly in the sun, flapping its impotent flippers until it dies—furnishing a sushi meal to the entire continent.

THE VICTOR:
Bolter

5. Abraxas vs. Hodag

THE CHALLENGERS:
Before the world was, there was Abraxas. Lord of all is Abraxas. One day the earth will crack like an egg, and out of its sundered shell shall emerge Abraxas.

Nothing is fiercer than the hodag.

THE MATCH:
Nothing is fiercer than the hodag.

THE VICTOR:
Hodag. Nothing is fiercer than the hodag.

Which matchup do you prefer? Let us know . . . if you dare.