All creatures great and small…we want jokes for them all! Your joke could win you a copy of the NEW 2011 Animal Crack-Ups Page-A-Day Calendar!
Animal Crack-ups is good, clean fun for the whole family, and we need YOU to fill it with your best animal jokes! Each page of the calendar will feature an animal joke, along with an irresistible photo of that animal cracking up.
From elephants and tigers to bears and penguins, no creature is too obscure and no joke too corny. The only requirement is that the humor be family-friendly—and the more original the joke, the better! For inspiration check out these standard-bearers of silliness:
Kangaroo: I hate April!
Wallabee: Why?
Kangaroo: It rains so much, the kids have to play inside!
What happens when 50 rabbits hop backwards at the same time?
You get a receding hare line.
Post a comment below with your joke and email address for a chance to win! We’re looking for jokes that emcompass the entire animal kingdom, from monkeys and dogs to hippopotamuses and lizards—even the occasional llamas and hyenas—and everything in between. All we need are jokes to go with them! All submissions must be made by December 31, 2009. If we use your joke, you’ll get a free copy of the 2011 Animal Crack-Ups Page-A-Day calendar!
RULES: Post in the Comments below with your e-mail address and original joke submission. Only submissions with a valid e-mail address will be considered. All submissions must be received by December 31, 2009. Submissions received after this date will be considered for the 2012 calendar.
JUDGING: Judges will include members of the Workman Publishing Company staff. In case of duplicate entries, only the first submission will be considered. Winners for the 2011 calendar will be notified by e-mail no later than March 31, 2010. Winners will receive one copy of the 2011 Animal Crack-Ups Page-A-Day Calendar.
RIGHTS: All jokes posted in the Comments become the property of Workman Publishing Co., Inc., which will have the right, without further notice or consideration, to use all jokes, and license their use, in future calendars and other publications in any media, and in related promotion.
RESTRICTIONS: The contest is void where prohibited by law. You must be 18 years of age or older to enter.
62 Comments
Walter Beck
November 14, 2009 at 5:14 amCustomer to waiter at takeaway: Give me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy.
candice krummel
November 14, 2009 at 6:26 amWhat is the heaviest thing in the world?
Poop, even an elephant can’t hold it!
Donald Hallock
November 14, 2009 at 7:26 amI took my family to the zoo in Washington, D.C. At teh great ape exhibit my son was standing next to the glass to look at the gorilla sitting on a tree branch. He turned to look at us. The gorilla jumped and landed without a sound directly where our son was standing. Our son turned and jumped because he was instantly nose to nose with the gorilla. The crowd laughed. We also felt that the gorilla had “got another one.”
B.J. Lechman
November 14, 2009 at 10:54 amDid you hear about the humble lion? He left his pride in the jungle ?
anonymus
November 14, 2009 at 1:33 pmwhat do you get when you add a bird, a car, and a dog?
A flyingcarpet
Donald Hallock
November 15, 2009 at 3:26 amIn order to create a better fish a scientist crossed a coho with a walleye. Then crossed that with a muskie. The result was a cowalski. Then he had to teach it how to swim.
Lou Franzini
November 15, 2009 at 10:45 amWhy couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?
It was just a moth ball!
Lou Franzini
loufranzini@lslink.com
Sue Hengelsberg
November 15, 2009 at 4:16 pmWhat’s King Kong’s favorite sandwich?
Gorilla cheese.
Betsy Barr
November 16, 2009 at 8:48 amWhat do Prince Charles, a baby monkey, and an orphan have in common?
One is the heir-apparent, one has a hairy parent, and one has nary a parent.
Sarah Pace
November 16, 2009 at 9:19 amWhat did the pig say on a hot, sunny day?
I’m bacon!
Sewicked
November 16, 2009 at 10:13 amWhat is the difference between swine flu & bird flu? One requires oinkment & the other needs tweetment.
Sean Leonard
November 16, 2009 at 10:29 amWhat did the fanatic chef say when he refused to serve a bowl of mushroom barley to a sheep?
“No Soup for Ewe!”
Melinda L. Wentzel aka Planet Mom
November 16, 2009 at 10:39 amHow do you get a dog to smile?
Tell him the one about the poodle, the dachshund and the Great Dane who went into a bar.
Incidentally, I have a hilarious digital photo of my twin daughters (age 8) making our bichon frise dog “smile” and I’d be happy to send it for consideration.
CARP;
November 16, 2009 at 11:38 amMary had a little lamb, she also had a bear – – I often saw the little lamb, but I never say her bare!!
Tiger Cat
November 16, 2009 at 1:52 pmWhat is the difference between a businessman and a warm dog? The businessman wears a suit. The dog – just pants.
Shawn Griffith
November 16, 2009 at 4:00 pmWhy won’t sharks eat a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
Ron Macaulay
November 17, 2009 at 8:37 amdid you hear about the camel who attended the tea party?
The hostess asked, one hump or two?
Amy Payne
November 17, 2009 at 9:01 amwhat do you call a cow that is outside during an earthquake? Milkshake!
Rob Beairsto
November 18, 2009 at 7:05 amWhat do you get when you cross a parrot with a tiger?
I don’t know, what?
I don’t know either, but when it talks, I listen!
Carol Wolf
November 18, 2009 at 10:22 amWhy did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done!
johnny rodgers
November 19, 2009 at 1:41 pmWhat is the difference between he bird flu and the swine flu?
With the bird flu, you use tweetment and with the swine flu, you use oinkment!
Arnie Schwartz
November 21, 2009 at 7:29 amWhat does a lion in the desert have to do with Christmas? He has sandy claws.
What is black and white and red all over? A sunburned zebra.
David Webb
November 21, 2009 at 8:01 amA horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
Tina Hamelin
November 21, 2009 at 9:13 amKnock, knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow who?
Mooooo! (said loudly before other person can finish saying interrupting cow who)
Tamara Marbes
November 21, 2009 at 10:41 amWhy does a baby bunny walk softly?
Because it can’t walk hardly.
Tamara Marbes
November 21, 2009 at 10:43 amWhat did King Kong say to Faye Wray at the top of the Empire State Building?
You’re the gorrilla my dreams!
Theresa Whetstine
November 21, 2009 at 11:55 amWhat part of the house do dogs talk about most?
Roof.
Liz Anders
November 21, 2009 at 7:48 pmThree turtles were going on a picnic, and after a ten day trip they finally reached the outlook they wanted to eat at, but realized they had forgotten the bottle opener. The two older turtles tell the younger one to go back and fetch it, but he cries “No! You’ll eat the sandwiches!” The older turtles promised they wouldn’t dare touch them, and the young turtle headed off for the bottle opener. Ten days passed, then 20, and finally, when 30 days passed the two older turtles just couldn’t take it anymore, they were dying of hunger. They took a bite out of one of the sandwiches when the younger turtle jumps out from behind a rock and says “See? That’s why I’m not going!”
Richard Fairfield
November 21, 2009 at 9:50 pmDid you hear about the scientist who crossed an abalony with a crocodile? He wanted to create an abadile! All he ended up with as a crock of baloney.
Jenny Sichel
November 24, 2009 at 6:37 amWhat did the dolphin say to his mother after she scolded him for coming in late?
But Ma, I didn’t do it on porpoise!
Joseph Milano
November 24, 2009 at 11:37 amDid you hear about the cow who ate some marijuana?
Made a great pot roast.
Joseph Milano
November 24, 2009 at 11:39 amDid you hear about the guy who was dating a race horse?
He just wanted a stable relationship.
Joseph Milano
November 24, 2009 at 11:46 amWhat’s the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings?
It’s a matter of a pinion.
Joseph Milano
November 24, 2009 at 11:48 amHeard that a leopard escaped from the zoo.
He was spotted nearby.
Paige and Avery Finch
November 26, 2009 at 11:38 amOnce upon a time, there lived a snake named Nate. Near Nate’s house there was an ancient mystical lever by the side of the road. According to the myth, if you pushed the lever the world would end. One day, Nate was slithering down the road when he came upon the lever. At the same moment, a truck came barreling down the street, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over the poor animal and continued on his route. The moral of the story? Better Nate than lever!
David Webb
November 28, 2009 at 7:56 amTwo Pandas walk into a bar. I cant believe one of them didnt see it!
Anghel Eduard
November 29, 2009 at 8:08 amA dog was running through the dessert. Suddenly, a fox stops and asks him: “Why are you running like this?” and the dog answers “Leave me alone. If I don’t find a tree quickly I’ll pee on me!”.
Dave Lay
November 29, 2009 at 12:00 pmWhy did the cow cross the rood?
To go to the Mooooovies!
Lynn Corwin
November 30, 2009 at 7:20 amWhere do dogs stay when they go on vacation?
At the Howliday Inn.
n faught
November 30, 2009 at 12:21 pmWhat do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot-cross bunnies.
Angela Medina
November 30, 2009 at 6:43 pmHow do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell ya tomorrow!
Sean Leonard
December 2, 2009 at 3:04 pmWhat star-searching TV show do eagles like best?
“America’s Got Talons”
Scotland Miles
December 2, 2009 at 9:37 pmWhy did the pony whisper?
Because he was just a little hoarse (horse).
Leigh
December 4, 2009 at 8:09 amWhat is a rattlesnake’s favorite holiday?
FANGsgiving!
David Schwartz
December 4, 2009 at 9:11 amWhy do mice have such small balls? Because not very many of them know how to dance.
Pam
December 5, 2009 at 8:57 amWhat kind of animal gets the most tickets?
A bear….. for nudity!
Kate
December 5, 2009 at 10:44 amWhat did the fish say when it hit the cement wall? … Dam
Katrina
December 6, 2009 at 5:12 amCross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
Jeanne
December 6, 2009 at 8:51 amWhy are dogs the most religious animal?
Because DOG spelled backward is GOD!
David Wick
December 7, 2009 at 8:00 amA drunk walks into a bar and asls the bartener, “What’s the biggest penguin you ever saw?”
Since it was a slow night the bartender decides to humor him and replies “OH – About this big” as he holds up his hand over the bar.
“NO! NO!” the drunk says “The biggest penguin you ever saw, ever!”
The bartender thinks a minute then says, “OK – It was this big” as he holds he hand a little higher over the bar.
NO! NO!” screams the drunk. “I mean the biggest penguin ever, that you saw, read about heard about. The biggest ever!”
“OK. OK” the bartender says a little frustrated. “The biggest penguin I ever saw was this big” as he holds his hand a little higher over the bar.
“Are you sure?” asks the drunk.
“Yes. I’m positive thats the biggest penquin ever” says the impatient bartender.
“Dang!” yells the drunk slapping the bar. “I hit a Nun!’
David Howle
December 8, 2009 at 9:41 amHow do you tuna fish?
You scale it.
Stephanie Holowka
December 9, 2009 at 9:43 amWhat do you get when you cross a giraffe and a german shepherd?
A watch dog for the 7th floor.
leslie
December 9, 2009 at 12:08 pmWhy did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Joel Timmons
December 10, 2009 at 4:46 amwhat do you call it when 2 monkeys get get Divorced
A Banana Split
Don Schmidt
December 11, 2009 at 1:27 pmA major wrist watch manufacturer planned on making a large number of watches using fish food. The project was known as “A Timex to every porpoise under Heaven”.
Linda
December 11, 2009 at 2:07 pmWhy did the rooster cross the road?
It was chicken’s day off!
Tom
December 15, 2009 at 10:44 amQ: Did you hear the Energizer bunny was arrested?
A: He was charged with battery!
Bill Boyer Jr
December 22, 2009 at 8:28 amWhat happen to the Unicorn? They got on Noah’s Ark OK and enjoyed the trip. However they got off at the wrong stop. It was a few miles south of Ireland. With limited public transportation they had to stay in Africa. They were depressed, became fat. And are known as Rhinoceross.Not evolution, just misjudgement.
Ru
January 3, 2010 at 8:10 amWhy don’t crabs and mussels share?
Because they’re shellfish.
Lavonne Threlkeld
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